love
hope
mercy
kindness
patience
these are the things
that make the world go round.
never ending.

(best friends, i'm not talking about who you think i'm writing about.)

i see possibilities.
i see a future.
i can't get away from your magnificent blue eyes,
your amazing smile.
i want to see you again.
i can't wait.
i want to hear your voice.
you are perfect.
everything i've imagined.

a never ending circle

Light into dark
Dark into light
A never ending circle of emotions.
happy, sad.
frustrated, mad.
when will it ever end?
joyful, depressed.
tired, annoyed.
too many emotions
every day.
i just want to feel happy again,
is that too much too ask?

sometimes i hate you.
why do you care so much?
i don't get it.
you're tearing me up inside.
i don't want to feel this way again.
is something going to happen?
i hear the third time's the charm.
i get butterflies when i talk to you.
i hate this.
i can't stress that enough.
i hate you,
because of the way you make me feel.
a part of me wants you out of my life for good,
and the other wants to see you in my future.

what is it about you,
that turns me upside down?
your smile?
your eyes?
your personality?

i see your smile,
i see your eyes.
you're amazingly wonderful.
you give me butterflies,
almost every time i see you.

but i hate you.
i hate that your smile and your eyes
affect me so much.
i hate the way you make me feel.
i hate that you're so likable.
but most of all,
i hate how you don't notice.

whatever...

So apparently, according to someone today, I've changed a lot in the past couple of months. Both physically and emotionally. I don't feel different physically, at least, not yet. Emotionally, I do feel different. A couple of weekends ago I was told I have the symptoms of depression, but I'm not clinically depressed. I've been like this for a while, not just since we've moved.

These symptoms have gotten stronger. I can feel it. In Everett, just being around my friends helped. I could talk to someone about anything but me, and they would instantly go away. Here, it's a lot harder. It takes a lot more for me to feel happy.

I need to get out of the house more, and I'm trying. But besides youth group, I don't have a lot more I can do. I'm going to start volunteering in December, and I'm trying to get a job. I'm trying to make friends, and I'm trying very hard. I slowly am.

I have good days, and I have bad days. You can definitely tell what kind of day I'm having. I just wish I would feel more balanced.

I don't really know what this was about. I was just kind of rambling and explaining. But, to you, have I changed in the last couple of months and how?

you.

feel free to comment.
but i won't talk to anyone about this one.


when i think about me and you,
it hurts,
but it's over now.
what happened, happened.
we both moved on,
you faster than me.
however, it's been awhile.
we're starting to become friends again.
maybe not as close as we were before,
but that's expected.
i think one day we'll get there.

i hope we stay in touch.
you're the only person who has affected me this much.
people have gotten close, my best friend included,
but never as close to you.

i sometimes hate you
because i can never stay mad at you for very long.
other times i think you're the most amazing guy.
it's hard to let you completely go.
sometimes i wonder if you ever feel the same way i do.

i know though,
that it's time to say good bye.
in a way i'm ready to leave you behind.
i now know,
that i could never fully separate myself from you,
we're too close.

it's my time now.
you drive me crazy.
i just want to get away
from it all.
the laughter, the voice,
the way you act.
i'm through.
i need to get away.

nostalgia...

Nostalgia:
a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.


I'm feeling a bit of that right about now. I want to go to Everett and visit all my friends. I don't know when that's going to be possible.

Looking through all my pictures, I realize how lucky I am to have met all my friends. Morgan, Kurt, Chris, Ashley, Jessica, AJ, Andy, the list goes on. They have shaped me, some more than others, into becoming the person I am right now. Without them, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

Ashley, wow. We're pretty special. Remember when you spent the night on Brendan's birthday? I think that was the time where I made those videos that I have. We stayed up so late, it was amazing. I want this back.

Kurt, I don't even know. I miss you. Things have definitely changed between us, but I'm really glad we've stayed friends. You helped me through a lot, but I think you know that already. I can't stay mad at you for a very long period of time. It's impossible, I don't know why. Whoever gets you is lucky to have you. :]

Jessica, I think you were one of the few ones who kept me sane. You're different from everyone else, but in a good way.

I have to say, I'm here for all of you even though I'm so far away. Call me if you need too. I'm constantly changing, but I'm still the Jacqueline you all know.

I can't change the fact that I've moved. If everything works out, I'll be moving next year to Bellingham. But Everett is always going to my home.
As Michael Buble sang:
"Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home"

thank you.

I need to thank you for being there.
Thank you for making me who I am today.
Thank you for making my world go upside down.
Thank you for being you.
I love you.
:]

I want to be your princess.
I want to be your happy ending.
I want to be your dream come true.
Maybe not now.
Most likely later in life.
But one day,
One fantastic day in the future,
I will have my fairytale.
I will have my prince.
<3

Oblivious

You are so oblivious.
I'm falling head over heels,
for you of all people.
You're not a normal jock.
You listen to Frank Sinatra.
Yet you don't see me.
Not now,
maybe later.
You give me butterflies,
and I just wish you'd see.

What happened?
You used to be so sweet.
You used to be nice.
You used to help.
Now you're mean.
You're not sweet.
You have a horrible attitude all the time.
I miss the old you.
I wish you could see what you've become.

I'm tired of this.
of all the grey,
of all the white,
i want blue.
i want light.
no darkness.
no wetness.
no coldness.
but,
living in washington,
no one gets that.

using quotes to express myself.

Sometimes when I want to write, I'm stuck. I get writer's block. Well, guess what? Right now is one of those times. I can almost find a quote to express the way I'm feeling. These quotes are found in various places by the way. Sorry if it's a little long. :]

These years that I have been in love have been
the darkest days of my life. All because I've been
cursed by being in love with a man who does not
and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him!
Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow!
All the usual symptoms.
+ + The Holiday

My motto was always to keep swinging.
Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or
having trouble off the field, the
only thing to do was keep swinging
+ + Hank Aaron

When you're a winner you're always happy,
but if you're happy as a loser you'll always be a loser.
+ + Mark Fidrych

Don't be afraid to give your best to what
seemingly are small jobs. Every time you
conquer one it makes you that much stronger.
If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will
tend to take care of themselves.
+ + Dale Carnegie

Every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.
+ + Emile Coue

The first duty of love - is to listen. --Paul Tillich

I've been waiting my whole life for the right guy to come

along, and then you showed up. And you're nothing like

the man I imagined. You're cynical and cranky and

impossible. But the truth is fighting with you is the best

thing that's ever happened to me. And I think there's a

very good chance that I'm falling in love with you.
-27 Dresses

Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss,
contains its own seed, its own lesson on how
to improve your performance the next time.
+ + Og Mandino

Out of suffering comes creativity.
You cannot spell painting without pain.
+ + John Lithgow

Whenever I hear, "It can't be done,"
I know I'm close to success.
+ + Michael Flatley

The world is moving so fast these days that
the man who says it can't be done is generally
interrupted by someone doing it.
+ + Fosdick, Harry Emerson

Do not bother just to be better than your
contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.
+ + Willam Faulkner

"eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. they say if you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. but how do you know when you're there? because no matter how badly something hurts us, sometimes, letting go hurts even more."

"I love you, not only for what you are, but for
what I am when I am with you."
-Roy Croft

"All of the "I need you's", consider them lies.
Because here I am without you, I survived."

"I don't even know what I want. Maybe I just
want to be someone's everything. A good
morning and good night."

"tell me you'll never forget me; because if
i thought you would i would never leave."

"i cannot even imagine where I would be today
were it not for that handful of friends
who have given me a heart full of joy.
let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun."
-charles swindoll

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.
Nothing can be done without hope or confidence.
+ + Helen Keller

People become really quite remarkable when
they start thinking that they can do things. When
they believe in themselves they
have the first secret of success.
+ + Norman Vincent Peale

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.
Comes into us at midnight very clean.
It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands.
It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.
+ + John Wayne

Have any favorites out of these?

Birth Control.

So in my human development class, we are talking about different birth control methods.
Today we covered the history of birth control, and we also talked about some old methods.
They are crazy.
Here are some of those methods:

1. Weasel Testicles
2. Diaphragm: made out of crocodile poo
3. Beaver Testicles, with alcohol
4. Mercury
5. Diaphragms made out of gold and silver
6. Animal Intestines
7. Diaphragms of Opium
8. Lemons
9. Blacksmith Water
10. Coca-cola douche
11. Wood block pessary (sounds painful. What happened if you got a splinter up there?)
12. An actual sea sponge


I don't know about you,
but if those were my options, I'd rather not have sex than have one of those. A lot of those sound painful, unsafe, or plain disgusting.

Thoughts?

Music-part one.

So I'm supposed to be doing my homework,
but I'm really listening to music and doing other things. :]
I thought I would share some music that I like,
and it won't be in any particular order,
just what song comes on first. :]

1. Cry- Mandy Moore
I don't really like Mandy Moore, but I fell in love with this song when it played in A Walk To Remember. This one of two songs I like by her.

2. If I Ain't Got You- Alicia Keys
There are songs I hate by Alicia Keys. I really like this one though. Her voice is amazing.
I love these lines: "Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all. If it ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby"

3. Fallin'- Alicia Keys
Another Alicia Keys song. I love it, thanks to my Mom. Reminds me a lot of someone I don't exactly want to think about all the time though.

4. Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis
The first time I heard this song, I fell in love with it. I totally connected with the song. Now, I really like Lewis' voice, but I'm sick of the song. It's played on the radio wayyyy too much.

5.Fidelity- Regina Spektor
I love this song. I love her voice. Enough said.

6. SexyBack- Justin Timberlake
So this is not one of those "I'mtotallyinlovewithsongIwanttohearitoverandover" kind of songs. But I do love it. It reminds me of band days at Mariner, and AJ. :]

7. Held- Natalie Grant
"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held"

I like the lyrics to this song, and I also love her voice.
Definitely a song worth listening too.

8. Jesus of Suburbia- Greenday
This is one of the first Greenday songs I heard. I fell in love with that band thanks to my best friend. :] This song feels a little long though.

9. Wasted-Carrie Underwood
"I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted"

First of all, I like Carrie Underwood. Secondly, I like this song. I don't want to be like my Dad, and this song says that.

10. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys
I strongly dislike this song. The reason I added it was because it used to be my favoriteeeeee song ever. It was worth listening to it when I was younger. Now I have the cd hanging up on my wall. :]

i wrote a new poem today,

in like five minutes.
i was waiting for the bell to ring.
tell me what you think.
:]


you're scared.
i can feel it.
don't worry.
i'm scared too.
change is hard.
next year we'll have an amazing summer.
and next year we'll be in college.
we'll have the time of our lives.
so let's not be scared.
let's face our fears.
we'll always remember our times together.
what happens next is a mystery.
next year will be different for everyone.
we'll make it through the change.
we're a family now, and we will be then.
i'll never forget the class of '09.





P.S. It's raining really hard. :[

you know me
better than i do.
please help me
believe in myself,
like i believe in you.

you have the power,
to change me around,
and you have the knowledge,
to show me the secret.

so please help me.
show me how.
share that confidence.
i know that i can do all things with your help.

bye.

this is so hard.
i miss you.
so very much.
but we're apart now.
nothing can change that.
i might not exactly be over you yet.
but i will be.
i'm almost there.
you moved on,
and so can i.
we had some great times.
i will never forget those.
this is my good bye.

things are changing.
more than i could ever imagine.
so much is happening at once.
it's hard to deal with everything now.
but i have the support i need.
i can make it.
we can make it.
things are going to get better,
not worse.
it can't get much worse then this.
so i'm going to keep my hope.
i'm going to stay strong
for the people who need me the most now.
things are changing,
and i might not be ready,
but i'm not going to fall.

everything i see
reminds me of you.
a stuffed animal or two,
pictures,
a song or two,
your sweatshirts.
even wearing that dress makes me think of you.
i want to stay away from those memories.
i don't want to forget.
you changed me,
you changed my life.
you said i wouldn't have a reason to miss you,
but i do.
i still love you,
that's my reason.
we weren't perfect,
but we definitely had our moments.
we're over now.
there's no going back.

i smile.
but it's fake.
i'm happy.
yet at the same time i'm sad.
i don't want to feel this way anymore.
it's not your fault,
so don't blame yourself.
do something now.
help me.
love me.
be there for me.
i'll slowly start being happy again.

today i realized.

today i realized
that we have grown apart.
i've known this for a long time now,
but it finally clicked.
we've grown up.
we've done different things.
we have one thing keeping us together.
i hate this.
i miss you.
when something funny happens,
i want to tell you.
remember us.

why do you do this?
why do you treat me like this?
i don't understand.
you make me feel so bad.
you are the one person
who i don't expect this from.
i want to fly away,
and it's pretty much your fault.

everyone is beautiful.
even if we don't feel it.
i have glasses, i'm ugly.
i have braces, i'm ugly.
i'm not skinny, so i must be ugly.
stop.
right now.
you don't have to be skinny to be pretty.
you don't have to be perfect to look beautiful.
i know what it feels like to feel ugly.
i've been there a lot.
but if you have kindness, if you have love,
if you show compassion,
if you have passion for something.
if you have confidence.
that makes you beautiful.
stop hiding because you're not anorexic.
stop hiding if you have glasses,
stop hiding if you have braces.
you are beautiful,
just believe in yourself.

i think i was hiding.
i was scared.
i was scared of you.
scared of love.
i was scared of life.
i was scared of losing someone else.
but i'm done.
i'm done being scared.
i'm done being angry.
i'm done being upset.
i'm ready to move on.
i'm ready to be happy.
i'm ready to have a good laugh,
to have a huge smile on my face,
to face each new day.
i have no idea where life is taking me,
but i guess i will find out.
:]

music.

i can't describe the way music makes me feel.
it's beautiful.
it's love, anger, hate, sad.
filled with emotions.
it's a bird flying,
it's an i love you,
it's a rainbow.
music is a miracle.

you don't realize how much you control me.
you change me and i don't even realize it.
you make me who i am today, right now.
it's all you.
every time you hurt me,
you make me stronger.
every time you say something nice,
you make my day.
you know what's wrong almost instantly,
and you always care.
you always try to help.
we'll always be friends.
we'll always be there for each other.

i love you.

the way you make me smile,
the way you make me laugh,
the way you tickle me,
the way you make me feel when i'm hurt,
or when i'm sad or angry.
i love it.
i love your smile,
your eyes,
personality,
everything.
i love you.

Untitled.

You hurt me more than you can ever imagine.
If I could show you, I would.
I thought I had forgiven you.
But then I remember.
I remember every single detail.
All the broken promises,
All the lies,
All the times when you didn't show up.
You are never there when I need you.
You hurt me so much,
Why can't I just let you go?

this is me.

yes that's me.
look and you'll see.
my hair in a ponytail.
my eyes behind glasses.
my arms reaching for someone.
my hands clapping with joy.
my heart filles with pain and happiness.
i'm the one who will never let you down.
i never try to hurt anyone.
my friends believe in me.
i live to make a difference.
i hope to have a happy life.
i dream of the future.
it's all clear as can be.
that's positively, absolutely me.

beauty.

what is beauty?
is it makeup?
good looks, cool clothes?
is it lotion or cool hair styles?
no.
beauty is compassion.
it's love, it's kindness.
beauty is what's on the inside.

feelings.

i feel so left out.
so lonely.
is it you or is it me?
what did we do wrong?
i want to fix it.
please tell me.
i just want things back.

untitled.

you play it cool.
you talk to me like it's no big deal.
but it is.
you don't know how much it hurts.

usually you ignore me.
but on the rare occasions you talk to me,
you make me feel so bad.
like i'm not worth your time,
small, immature.

why can't you just accept me for who i am?
i love you,
why can't i recieve love from you?
i won't force you to love me.
i can't.
just remember,
i will never forget you.
even if you forget me.

love.

as i look around,
i see beauty everywhere.
sunsets, leaves, flowers,
cats, grass, smiles,
trees, dogs, rain.
but as i look around,
i see love the most.
and to me,
that is the most beautiful thing out there.

i am.

i am a superstar.
i wonder if class will ever end.
i hear people talking.
i see people writing.
i want class to be over.
i am a superstar.

i pretend that i'm a singer.
i feel happy because we got 1st place.
i touch my gel pen.
i worry that no one likes me.
i cry because i feel like crying.
i am a superstar.

i understand that i have tons of friends.
i say i'm popular.
i dream about being a superstar.
i try to be myself.
i hope i get 1st place again.
i am a superstar.

who am i?

1)
i am jacqueline
daughter of jennifer and shawn
who needs love, sleep, and friends
who loves nature, god, people
who sees joy, words, compassion
who hates ignorance, hatred, cheaters
who fears failure, lonlieness, success
who dreams of happiness, a loving family, a good job
who has found poems of love
resident of washington
sullivan

2)
i am a crazy girl who loves music.
i wonder what life will be like in twenty years.
i hear people crying.
i see people believing.
i want to be cared for.
i am a crazy girl who loves music.

i pretend that i am a great leader.
i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.
i touch god's creation.
i worry about everyone i know.
i cry for all the death in the world.
i am a crazy girl who loves music.

i understand why love hurts.
i say that we are equal.
i dream about helping the children of the world.
i try to be there for everyone.
i hope that people can see the truth.
i am a crazy girl who loves music.

3)
jacqueline.
compassionate, tired, daughter, sister,
sister of brendan and collin,
lover of music, nature, god,
who feels joy, sadness, love,
who needs laughter, joy, nature,
who gives help, encouragement, laughter,
who fears failure, heights, spiders,
who would like to see a cure for all diseases,
resident of everett, wa,
sullivan.

4)
jacqueline
ditzy, intelligent, curious, fun-loving
first born daughter of shawn and jennifer
likes music, nature, children
feels like i'm not good enough
afraid of failing
would like to see the world
sullivan

Imperfect.

I try to look nice.
Put my hair up, put makeup on.
I try to hide my flaws.
I walk to band whenever I can.
I do school online so I can get away.
That might have been a bad decision.
I tend to wish I was perfect.
But I'm not.
I'm human.
I'm me.

Scared.

I know you.
I love you.
I care about you.
I'll always be there for you.
Don't mess up.
Don't become another statistic.
Tonight, I worry.
Remember your promises.
Remember who you are.

Untitled.

I cry a lot.
I worry that I'm not perfect.
Things are changing.
You have changed. I have changed.
There's not a lot I can do.
So I cry.
One day I hope,
I have faith that things will be different.
I KNOW that things will be different.
I will not have a reason to cry anymore.