love
hope
mercy
kindness
patience
these are the things
that make the world go round.
never ending.

(best friends, i'm not talking about who you think i'm writing about.)

i see possibilities.
i see a future.
i can't get away from your magnificent blue eyes,
your amazing smile.
i want to see you again.
i can't wait.
i want to hear your voice.
you are perfect.
everything i've imagined.

a never ending circle

Light into dark
Dark into light
A never ending circle of emotions.
happy, sad.
frustrated, mad.
when will it ever end?
joyful, depressed.
tired, annoyed.
too many emotions
every day.
i just want to feel happy again,
is that too much too ask?

sometimes i hate you.
why do you care so much?
i don't get it.
you're tearing me up inside.
i don't want to feel this way again.
is something going to happen?
i hear the third time's the charm.
i get butterflies when i talk to you.
i hate this.
i can't stress that enough.
i hate you,
because of the way you make me feel.
a part of me wants you out of my life for good,
and the other wants to see you in my future.

what is it about you,
that turns me upside down?
your smile?
your eyes?
your personality?

i see your smile,
i see your eyes.
you're amazingly wonderful.
you give me butterflies,
almost every time i see you.

but i hate you.
i hate that your smile and your eyes
affect me so much.
i hate the way you make me feel.
i hate that you're so likable.
but most of all,
i hate how you don't notice.

whatever...

So apparently, according to someone today, I've changed a lot in the past couple of months. Both physically and emotionally. I don't feel different physically, at least, not yet. Emotionally, I do feel different. A couple of weekends ago I was told I have the symptoms of depression, but I'm not clinically depressed. I've been like this for a while, not just since we've moved.

These symptoms have gotten stronger. I can feel it. In Everett, just being around my friends helped. I could talk to someone about anything but me, and they would instantly go away. Here, it's a lot harder. It takes a lot more for me to feel happy.

I need to get out of the house more, and I'm trying. But besides youth group, I don't have a lot more I can do. I'm going to start volunteering in December, and I'm trying to get a job. I'm trying to make friends, and I'm trying very hard. I slowly am.

I have good days, and I have bad days. You can definitely tell what kind of day I'm having. I just wish I would feel more balanced.

I don't really know what this was about. I was just kind of rambling and explaining. But, to you, have I changed in the last couple of months and how?

you.

feel free to comment.
but i won't talk to anyone about this one.


when i think about me and you,
it hurts,
but it's over now.
what happened, happened.
we both moved on,
you faster than me.
however, it's been awhile.
we're starting to become friends again.
maybe not as close as we were before,
but that's expected.
i think one day we'll get there.

i hope we stay in touch.
you're the only person who has affected me this much.
people have gotten close, my best friend included,
but never as close to you.

i sometimes hate you
because i can never stay mad at you for very long.
other times i think you're the most amazing guy.
it's hard to let you completely go.
sometimes i wonder if you ever feel the same way i do.

i know though,
that it's time to say good bye.
in a way i'm ready to leave you behind.
i now know,
that i could never fully separate myself from you,
we're too close.